Everyday Burnout Conversations

Alexis Lee | The healing self-discovery path of ditching shame and reclaiming pleasure

• Flic Taylor / Alexis Lee / Style Me Sunday • Season 5 • Episode 45

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In this episode, I share an everyday burnout conversation with Alexis Lee. 

From confronting sexual trauma to breaking free of societal chains and finding true self-expression, this beautiful conversation is beautifully raw and unfiltered. 

Alexis helps us delve into the power of embracing our desires, shares the courage it takes to reshape a life at its midway point, and shows us how exploring ourselves can lead to the most unexpected of loves—choosing ourselves! 

We tackle burnout, the wisdom of listening to our bodies, and how setting boundaries can be an act of profound self-love. The art of communication, especially in the intimate corners of our lives, can spark a societal transformation, moving us closer to a future of empowerment. 


Alexis's insights from her book, "Feeling Myself," serve as a clarion call for women to take ownership of their pleasure without apology.


About Alexis: 

Alexis started her blog, Style Me Sunday, in July 2012. It began as a fashion blog but soon evolved as she changed and started to open up about other things like body confidence, mental health and her healing process following having children and her new perspective. 

For a decade she has grown her platform from a blog to a brand, and now reaches women across various different mediums. In 2022 she released her debut book Feeling Myself - ‘A modern manifesto and memoir on sex and shame’ 


Alexis runs events, courses, hosts podcasts, models, has been a speaker, and has been a popular sought after panellist. 

She’s completed levels 2 and 3 in counselling and is currently undertaking a post-grad course in Psychotherapy. She runs community spaces Healing Myself and now Black Enough?! 


Please use headphones if sensitive ears are around you as you listen. We talk frankly and honestly about sex, orgasms, and masturbation, all while gloriously speaking openly with an abundance of happy swears. 



Find out more on how to work with Alexis


Follow her on Instagram @stylemesunday 


Check out her new TV show - Unique Boutique


Her book Feeling Myself is OUT NOW


Please note, this podcast is not intended as medical advice. If you're having a rough time or concerned that you're experiencing burnout, remember YOU matter, so please reach out to your doctor or mental health professional for support and guidance tailored for you. 


Please like, comment and subscribe to the podcast wherever you listen. I truly appreciate your feedback and support, as it helps these fab conversations reach a little further. 





Fancy a little more burnout chat? Let's continue the conversation.

Find me on Instagram, TikTok and Facebook

Check out my latest work and discover how you can work one-to-one with me to tackle your burnout at flictaylor.com

Flic:

Hello, I'm Flick and you're listening to Everyday Burnout Conversations. This is the honest podcast that shares burnout expertise, along with the stories of others from all walks of life that strive to inspire and help you manage and avoid burnout. Now, my passion for burnout and self-care came about when I became a mental health writer who'd lost her own mental health to severe burnout, and it's an irony that's not lost on me. So get set to enjoy another great conversation, delightfully wrapped up in some wisdom, humour and great storytelling. Enjoy In this Everyday Burnout Conversation. I share a glorious chat with Alexis Lee.

Flic:

Alexis started her blog and Instagram handle, stile Me Sunday back in 2012. It began as a fashion blog that soon evolved as she changed and started to open up about other things like body confidence, mental health and her healing process following having children and her new perspective on life. For a decade, she has grown her platform from a blog to a brand and she now reaches women across various different mediums. Alexis took part in a television project about women's quest for better orgasms, where she had a real orgasm on TV, and she co-hosted a powerful makeover show using adaptive fashion for people who cannot buy clothes off the high street. In 2022, she released her debut book Feeling Myself. It's a modern manifesto and memoir on sex and shame. She's currently undertaking a post-grad course in psychotherapy and runs the beautiful community spaces Healing Myself and Black Enough. You'll also spy her running events, courses, hosting podcasts, modelling, speaking, and she's a popular sort after panellist.

Flic:

I absolutely love this raw and candid chat. Grab your headphones if you have sensitive ears around you as you listen, since we talk frankly and honestly about sex and orgasm, self-pleasure, and it's all gloriously wrapped up in some fruity swears too. Also, make sure to listen to the very end, as we share an honest and raw mirroring moment for each other regarding a recent scenario. So, without further ado, here's my everyday burnout conversation with the brilliant Alexis Lee. Oh, alexis, it's so exciting to sit here with you today Just because I've been a huge follower of your.

Flic:

I love your writing, I love your writing in your book, I love your social posts and the writing. Anyway, I'll go into that later. I've been following you for about eight years now and your book was. I was a beacon of light for me in some very dodgy moments and I think it's fair to say you've been through quite the transformation in the past few years. A little bit of a shit storm to walk through. So perhaps to start us off with those listening, to kind of give us an idea of what you've been walking through and where you are today.

Alexis:

Oh God, like where do I start? I know, I know, I think the book starts from the birth canal, right as soon as. As soon as Inception happens and you develop into a female, the shame is kind of piled on, and so I can think, even before I was born it started and it goes down the line of generations, right. So there's a long history of shit storms, there's a long history of shame, there's a long history of unravelling and healing and all of everything. But let me try and put it into some sort of like coherent few sentences. I would say it's so hard. I would say my journey is not unusual. I would say it's actually very usual.

Alexis:

I had some, there was some sexual trauma in my younger years, which, again, it's not uncommon for women, unfortunately. And I just talk about kind of growing up I was born in 1980, so growing up in the 80s and 90s and mentality was very different then and we weren't as aware and there was a lot of very dodgy behaviour that went on unnoticed and unchecked. And I guess I am still still healing from that, still, I guess, recovering from that. I think we'd probably spend a lifetime recovering from childhood trauma, right. And then where would I go next, I mean. And then I met my husband when I was 16 and my ex-husband. We were together for about 24 years until coming up to my 40th birthday. I was like what the fuck am I doing? And I had an epiphany and I was just like I'm not going to spend the next 40 years like this, so I need to make a change. Then I separated, got divorced and now dating a woman. So I definitely went on a journey with my sexuality.

Flic:

Let me stop there, because there's a lot no, but I mean, obviously I've been following you on social media, part of your community but when I read your book when it came out for me it was it was so reassuring. Even though our stories are very different, as a woman, it was very reassuring to think I'm not the only one to look to reach a certain point Okay, so I'm mid-40s to reach a certain point and go, oh my God, I've outgrown this whole kind of life for the past 20 years. But also, that was never my fucking choice, that was never my desires or wishes, or you get so shaped by society, don't you? As women, as kind of as you say, growing up in the 80s and 90s, and I think I was just like, oh my God, I'm not the only one to feel this way, and it kind of it was a real beacon of light for me because I was like, oh, okay, let's roll the sleeves up and allow some of this to start falling. Life is already squeezing me. Let's see what happens when it falls away. Because that's what really came through in your book for me anyway.

Flic:

There's so many facets of your amazing book. It's one that I think every woman should have on her bookshelf. I really do you know what? It's a friend who's not a huge reader. She was like I'm going on holiday, what book shall I read? I was like reading myself. Get it, I'll order it. Yeah, it's amazing. And she texted me from the beach going oh my God. No, yes, she did, oh my God.

Alexis:

You know how happy that makes me.

Flic:

Well, it's so true, I mean it's bloody, it really is, that's so nice.

Alexis:

Oh, I've got tables all over now. That means so much to me. You know what you know. You know, after the book comes out, you go on this big old press thing, whatever it's called, and then it kind of dies down right and you don't speak about it. I haven't really spoken about it for quite a long time. So it's such a nice feeling to be reminded of the impact of it. And you know it wasn't. I mean, it was a moment in time because I've also evolved a lot more since the book, right, but it's still. It's still relevant, it's still very relevant, even now, a couple of years later. So, yeah, no, that's really cool to hear.

Flic:

Thank you. Oh. How do you even go on that journey of writing something so phenomenal as that? How did that even start off? I?

Alexis:

mean it would be a very different book if I was writing it today, Because, yeah, as I said, I have evolved somewhat. I was literally in the shipstorm when I was writing it and sometimes, when you are on the kind of beginning of your journey, you're in that kind of angry phase. You're in that phase of I need to fucking scream and talk and just let everything out that I've been holding onto for decades. Right? So I was in that space. I was in a space of I need to talk, I need to tell people this. I mean because I'm not the only one experiencing it, and also it's not a self-indulgent autobiography. It is set in context. So you know, I give statistics about, you know, crimes and the rates and things that we go through. So that's why I think it resonates with a lot of people, because it's not just here's my story, Let me get a violin out and let me tell you how traumatic my life has been. It's something that is very applicable to so many women.

Flic:

Yeah because I think as well when you're reading it as a woman, there are things that we are so used to suppressing, to just accepting that when you read Black and White, like you know, some of those rape statistics, what constitutes as rape and whatever, you're kind of like, oh my God fuck, Because it's a shame, isn't it? What did you say? Because, again, it's that shame piece that we've grown up with.

Alexis:

Yeah, exactly, and I was questioning everything at the time, and I think that's evident in the book. You know, I talk about the virginity myth, I talk about self-pleasure, I talk about what we've been fed, the paths we've been sort of directed down. There's no, there's no hold on, stop. Let me ask you what way you want to go. Let me ask you how you're feeling. There's none of that. We have been women of our generation. Certainly I'm going to guess you're in your voice Women of our generation have been fed a lie.

Alexis:

We have many, many lies. We have been directed to aspire to certain milestones that are supposed to be making us happy. We, you know, get a husband, have kids, get a dog, get a house, get a car, but then what? Then what? It's like, hold on. I've been doing all of these things and I've got all of these things, hopefully, maybe, and I'm still not fucking happy. So, so where, where did it go wrong? Where was the lie? So it's like a big old unraveling and, as I said, it started even before I was born, that unraveling, and so I can't remember what the question was now, but you know.

Flic:

I'm involved in the conversation, it's I'm listening to you and I'm like what really came out for me when I was reading it was that I had put aside any of my pleasure, needs, desires, wants, wishes for a very long time. And yeah, and I think we're not alone in that. And I'm like how many women are just well, I know I've got friends who are like oh God, just you know sex, I'll just get it over and done with. It's like on the to do list, but it's go on.

Alexis:

Well, exactly, I mean, I was. I was speaking to my girlfriend the other day and she said you know what's fascinating? She was at some sort of family party. She was like what's fascinating is that most women fucking hate their husbands. Right, they are literally. They just tolerate them. And there's so many eye rolls and side eyes and they're just like. It is literally like you're here now. You might as well fucking stay there because you just hear.

Alexis:

And we're at a certain age where it's just a hassle to unravel everything, but most people aren't happy and most people don't stop to ask themselves is this what I want? Am I happy? Are there other choices out there? You know there's. There's a whole buffet of choices out there that was never on the table for me when I was growing up and I feel fucking angry about that and I feel disappointed about that, and rightly so. And it's okay to feel that resentment. It's.

Alexis:

There's no particular person to to direct that, except a capitalist society that builds us up into these kind of, uh, handmaidens. Maybe that might be a bit extreme, but it's kind of like that. So, yeah, but I think, I think right now we're going through a really big shift. There's a huge shift in consciousness. There's a huge shift and I think we're all feeling it. Things are. Things are not as they have been. I think more people are starting to wake up to the idea that this society isn't serving us and it's not making us happy and we need to take control of that, otherwise we're going to fucking run ourselves into the ground. I didn't check if I can swear I've sworn a lot.

Flic:

I swear all the time. I'm very swearing, let's be real and raw, darling, fuck it. But it's, you know it's funny, isn't it Like when? Why does it have to look a certain way? We were brought up it has to look this way and it's only when you take a step back, or maybe others inspire you to take a step back that gives you that permission piece to go. I don't like it that way. That doesn't work for me. And then, as soon as you start to step into yourself, christ, you just feel so much, you just shine. You just feel so much more you.

Flic:

But I think it starts with accessing your own pleasure. I'm a huge one because of my burnout experience. I'm a huge one for you know a good way to flush that cortisol, that stress hormone, out of your system, amongst like closing the stress cycle with physical activity and whatever Is that. I'm a big fan of a self-serve checkout orgasm. Do you know what I mean? And I think you know when women are because we were brought up like oh no, that's dirty, that's wrong or that's selfish or there's, you know you're put in a box, aren't you? And I think what I loved, I loved you talking about that in your book. Actually, it was your book that got me onto watching porn through the female gaze. Thank you very much. I have so many enjoyed watching female porn.

Alexis:

Now my job here is done, I can die happy. Yeah, I totally resonate with everything you said, obviously because you've read it. But I think I think what I have noticed is the more that I've started listening to myself and my body, the more I realize, you know, self pleasure is is a very natural and healthy coping mechanism and a way to flush emotions through the body. So when I'm really heavy with sadness or I'm feeling angry, you know I do use orgasms to flush those emotions through my body and I think we've lost that somatic connection that is.

Alexis:

That was probably taken away by religion and Christianity and you know telling us that that was wrong and we've lost that intuitive nature of hold on. There's this, there's stuckness inside my body. I'm going to do something about that. It might be move, it might be dance, it might be orgasms. Whatever it is, we've lost that connection and, and you know, what we're experiencing now with trying to sort of find ourselves and get that back, is is getting that connection back with our bodies and listening to ourselves, and it's a really big transformation and and lots of things will sort of there'd be like bulb moments where you're just like, oh my God, why haven't I been doing this for years.

Flic:

It's just, it just feels so natural and normal and you know yeah, exactly Because I think when you burn out, you really have become disconnected from yourself, you have lost yourself, you're just a shell, you're not aligned to any of your values, any of your desires or wishes, and so I think I wonder if starting to connect to yourself physically is one of the first steps. It certainly works for me, do you know what I mean?

Alexis:

Yeah, 100%, but I mean I mean burnout is is just your body's sign of saying you're not fucking listening to me. Stop, yeah, you're not listening to me. Why, you know, the only way I can get you to listen to me is to incapacitate you. Is that? Yeah, yeah, and so it has to occur sometimes at certain points because we're so used to, we're so used to just carrying on, aren't we? And yeah, and not stopping. So I think, so I think listening to our bodies is one of the first steps.

Alexis:

I think, probably prior to that, is actually stopping, is stopping before you can listen, and that you know you're either going to be forcibly stopped or you do it voluntarily. Okay, you know. I think I recognize when I need to recharge my battery, I recognize when I need a long time and just to process things, just to allow ideas and thoughts to come into my head. If I don't do that, everyone gets a very different version of me and I'm not going to be very nice. So I have to advocate for myself. I have to have good boundaries, good, healthy boundaries, and I have to be brave enough to communicate those boundaries. So it's really about taking control and stopping and listening, and you know there's lots of people who say I can't stop, I'm just so busy, I've got children. But you can. You can lock yourself in the bathroom, you can, you know, use whatever time is available. You can go in the car, you can go and just sit in the car and have a cry or just have some alone time. Whatever it is, you can take it.

Alexis:

We're just so used to feeling guilty for taking it that we tend to make excuses of why we can't do it, and I think it's yeah, no more excuses, just take ownership of that, a bit like your pleasure. Right? We've got to take ownership of our pleasure. For too long we have outsourced our desires to other people and we expect them to give us orgasms, we expect them to know how to pleasure us, and I was going to say make us come. But yeah, I've already said that I'm not going to hit his way and that's not how it works. Everyone's different. How are they supposed to know what is going to pleasure us or what makes us happy, if we can't even get in touch with what makes us happy, if we don't even know what our needs are and how to communicate those needs? It's really important that we don't just outsource everything, can expect everyone else to make us happy without even being able to communicate to them, and I think that's why it's not even a sort of man and woman thing. It's not even a oh fucking hell. You know they're terrible in bed or they're a terrible husband.

Alexis:

We've all been fed this lie. They haven't been brought up asking us questions. They haven't been brought up to actually listen to women and they haven't been brought up to have to see the value in soft power. It's the most incredible, incredible force, right, and we haven't been tapping into it. It's a bit like our sexual power, another reason why I think it's controlled and it's shamed because they're scared of it. We've got, we were so powerful as women that we are just being pushed down, and men have also been kind of embroiled in this lie and it doesn't serve them either, because, well, because we all end up leaving them and no one's happy at the end of the day with this setup. So something's got to change from the foundation, from the very, very beginning. Something's got to change, and I do believe that it is slowly changing, or maybe it's no, I think it's probably going to speed up.

Alexis:

I'm into astrology. The planets are, the planets are. You know, this is a, this is a, this. We're in the age of change. Now, right, and so it's in Aquarius, or it will be at the end of this year, anyway for 20 years, and that's the planet of power. So there's big things coming. Just fucking buckle up.

Flic:

Let's go. I mean, as a mom, it's so important, isn't it, that we? We do this work because we don't want our kids to, we don't want to continue this cycle, this negative cycle, and I think I've always tried really hard to be honest and real with my boys Because, as you say, like I, I wonder, I think a lot of my work was looking back and going oh my God, I haven't even loved myself if ever, but certainly not since my early twenties, like I. Just you just abandon yourself, don't you? And you're fitting all these kind of media constructs and sitting in boxes and whatever. And I think you know when you can try and make those steps back to loving yourself, being back home in yourself, it kind of it sets you off to go on the right path.

Alexis:

It does, and I think. But I think one of the first steps is self-compassion. Yes, because no, you probably didn't love yourself Flick, you probably thought you were. You know, you probably thought you were fat or you had stretch marks or you know you had a lump in the wrong place, whatever it is. You were brought up, you were told not to love yourself. There was always a potion that would fix it, or there was always.

Alexis:

You know these aspirational ideals of what the perfect woman should look like, and rarely do we fit into that model. So we have to give ourselves some grace and we have to go. I didn't love myself because of all the messages I was getting. That is, that's the bottom line, and we have to forgive ourselves for feeling all of those self-hatred feelings, because it wasn't stemming from us. We didn't come out of the birth canal hating ourselves. We didn't. You know, it's something that has been passed down and it's something that we have been in a in a in a tornado, I guess of. So, yeah, let's start there, let's start with some self-compassion, and then we can work on unraveling all of the messages and all of the bullshit of self-hatred and self-loathing.

Flic:

Oh, it's absolutely, absolutely. I think that's the beautiful message it comes through in your book. It comes through in your brilliant social media, your messages to your community. It's. You've always had this lovely compassionate manner this way about you, always, even before the book. That always came through very strongly, Really, yeah, it did. And you know what? It's not often, you see it. We're seeing it more now, aren't we? We've been through a pandemic. Everyone was squeezed, we're all going, oh fuck, and everyone's shifting and shape shifting. But that always came through in your words. Sure, yeah, I hope you're writing another book. I'd like you to write another book.

Alexis:

I'd really like to, actually, just before this conversation, just before this, yeah, I was thinking about it and I was thinking about what, what that, how that would look your words. Thank you, I appreciate that, but yeah, back to the universe.

Flic:

Come on, let's get another one, please.

Alexis:

So, yeah, I'm thinking we've got to do some sort of rhyme. I'm really into poems at the moment. So it was feeling myself. So I feel like it's got to be like healing myself or something like that From feeling myself to healing myself. I don't know.

Alexis:

Whatever it is, I'm going to figure it out. I would love to, because there's there's so much more I want to say, and I feel like I feel like I was at a stage where I was still very much figuring it out. And listen, I'm still very much figuring it out now, but I feel like I've got a bit of a better perspective. I feel like, rather than being in the eye of the storm, I'm on the kind of edges of the storm. The storm never really goes away, right, we know that, okay. Oh my God, it does, though that rollercoaster of life is always going to keep fucking life in, and yeah. So I just feel like I'm slightly more removed from the eye of the storm now. So I feel like I've got some some new perspectives to share and slightly more of a kind of bird's eye view rather than rather than in it on the ground, in or maybe in a hole in the ditch Of despair.

Flic:

Oh my God, Absolutely. You know what I'm going to share, something that you wrote. It's one of your. I think it was a social media person. I loved it so much I wrote it down and you said out of sadness and pain comes some weird kind of magic. When you alchemise that energy into something else and move in a direction you might not have ever considered, something eventually shifts. Who knew I could let people in enough to actually hold me when I'm on my knees? That on all of the Augusta Bumpy just reading it.

Alexis:

I'm all right, actually Right and aren't.

Flic:

I your, your phenomenal. I love your writing, I love words. That's what I'm like. I just want to on the podcast. But those words really went through me and I I'm not alone. I know I'm not alone. They speak to a lot of us, because so many of us are on our knees right now but we don't know how to ask for help. We don't know. I wasn't used to being held. I wasn't used to being asked to be held, and when I looked around me and it was very clear, the people who just weren't capable of that, for whatever reason, that's when you go. Oh, I need to like things are shifting, things are changing and it's okay for things and people to fall away, because you kind of go, we were brought up to be like. You felt like, well, I felt everything was my fault and I had to like do you know what I mean?

Alexis:

Yeah, 100%. And I think a lot, of, a lot of us were brought up as parentified children and we were looking after the adults who were all fucking traumatized around us. So we learned that our value was in looking after people, and so then we've carried on that cycle and that pattern and it's a really difficult pattern to get out of. First of all, there's got to be that awareness. We've got to bring it into our consciousness, because we're so used to saving people and rescuing that it becomes part of our identity and our value.

Alexis:

So I believe we've got to acknowledge that and then we've got to think about how we're going to change that. One of the first things that just ends up happening when you do kind of acknowledge that is you look around and you think who will catch me when I fall? That's so cliche and cheesy. But I'm going to grab it and, as you said, people will naturally fall away because you will realize that not everyone is here to catch you. It's not reciprocal. The relationships need to shift and change and there's some heartbreaking struggles along that way and I've had a lot of heartbreak in the last few years.

Alexis:

I really have, because the more I have opened myself up and kind of changed and evolved, the more I've realized the dynamics of a lot of my friendships. I mean, I'm talking about friendships now because we've dealt with the divorce bit. Right, friendships were not in alignment with who I really am. They had use for the time but it was not. They were not going to stay around and stick into the person who I was becoming. I still feel grief over that. There's a lot of heartbreak there because I lost some friends who I thought would be with me forever. But when you no longer become useful to people.

Flic:

You will see who they are right, oh true, oh my gosh, it's so true, and it does, you're right. There is that grief there. It kind of knocks you for six.

Alexis:

Do you know what? I honestly think the grief of some of those friendships was worse than the divorce. Because the divorce I had kind of been prepping myself for years. This had been a slow, slow, slow, slow, slow burn. Right, I didn't take the decision lightly because I have children. My ultimate concern was I don't want to fuck my children up. I don't want my children to be from a broken home. I know that's awful, but that's the most bad.

Alexis:

yes, that's how I viewed it, and actually I had to come to the realization that actually I wanted to role model a better kind of love, a different kind of love. What I was role modeling wasn't what I wanted them to grow up and aspire to. So that was a slow burner. That was many, many years in the making. But the fucking friendships, the friendships that I've lost, has been like a dagger to the heart. Oh my God. I sound so dramatic now but I swear. The feelings of friendship, heartbreak, we're not talking about it enough. It fucking hurts, and I think I have always struggled with female friendships and I think as an adult I finally started to really indulge and value them and just realize the significance of them. And then to lose them and then to suffer the heartbreak of them. Yeah, that hit me in some ways harder than my divorce did.

Flic:

Yeah, no, that makes sense to me and that resonates. It's interesting because I know you were midwife in the NHS and I was did hospital playtho in the NHS. And I think it's interesting, isn't it? Because this skill set we established in childhood of looking after others, caring for others, are worth being wrapped up in others. And then, and it's what you know so, there's a real kind of I found there was a little bit of grief for fuck what served me and really I was successful at. I burnt out and went oh, I can't do that anymore, but where do? Who am I now? Where do I go now? And it's, it's a real process, isn't it? And I think, when you don't have your female friends, when those fall away, that they go with that kind of back and you're like, oh, hang on a minute.

Alexis:

Well, I think one of the things that really helped me to uncover this unconscious pattern that I was in was I'm training to be a therapist, right, and so I've done counselling courses and now I'm doing my post-graduate psychotherapy course and it's kind of a natural. It's like a natural path for people who are used to looking after people, for people who are used to holding people. But what the training has taught me is that when you go into therapy, when you are a therapist, you don't rescue, you witness, you observe, you listen. It's such a different type of holding and that actually really made me. That highlighted my rescue tendencies and how I needed to change my relationships because they were, I guess, unconsciously manipulative, because I needed people to need me, right, yeah, and so what I think, what I'm trying to say is, again, there's no blame, there's no, no one is at fault. The dynamic is off, and as we move, we seek out relationships, friendships, where the dynamic feels more aligned and more, yeah, you know, in line with this new you, I guess.

Flic:

And I think this is why, again, you speak about the self-compassion piece, because I think it's very, when you outgrow, when you are doing that work, so say, you come out of burnout and you start to do the work. I'm a big believer. You, you know, it's not just three weeks of eating Maltesers in bed, washing Netflix. No, you're going to have to look at the foundational pieces and start to work Like it's. It's brave and courageous work, I feel, and when you're starting to look at those foundational pieces, it's so important. You, you carry a sack full of self-compassion because the people in your life align to who you were then. So it's very. I think it makes sense why marriages fall away, relationships fall away, because you're becoming a much more aligned, true version of you than you were then, and you need that self-compassion and self-love because, you're quite lonely, can't it?

Flic:

Incredibly lonely, I know.

Alexis:

But I was never lonelier than when I was with somebody who I wasn't happy with.

Flic:

Yes, I was in the book ago.

Alexis:

It's so fucking true it is when you're next to somebody who, who you have resentment for, who doesn't see you, who is unable to hear you, that's the loneliest feeling in the whole world, that's, that's worse than being alone and lonely even, I think, because because it's right you get rage. You know there's rage inside you and I think you you do go through that process of of being feeling lonely when you, when you separate and get a divorce. But then you get to a point where you're like, oh, I'm not lonely anymore, I'm actually just alone and I fucking love it.

Flic:

Surely you reclaim your energy, because you know, when you're a mum and a partner and you're just dishing out energy left, right and centre, aren't you? And I think? Yet you can feel very lonely and you're like, oh my god, like I'm just with a brick wall. But I think when you are actually on your own, you're not subconsciously just dishing out the energy you get to reclaim it.

Alexis:

Yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely Fucking powerful.

Flic:

Oh my god, oh my god. So what helps you? What kind of things do you do for yourself now that helps you put those boundaries in, helps you make those choices for yourself, like what keeps you rooted right now, as opposed to that version of yourself that would just give to everyone and not kind of honour their own needs.

Alexis:

Um, I think I don't. I don't buy into this fantasy that busyness is is ideal, right? Yeah, so I'm very aware of not over committing myself, not sort of going out too much. I mean I can't go out more than really twice in a week. And when I say going out, I'm not saying going out drinking, I mean just going out of the house and, you know, meeting people I have. I have limited resources for that, um, so I am just mentally aware that that I can't over over commit myself. Um, what, what, what boundaries, what else do you want? Your?

Flic:

harvest also become like your sanctuary, hasn't it? I know I've heard you talk about you know, when you were sharing your home, it you were always going out and because it wasn't necessarily your safe space, whereas now you've got your own space. That's like. That is your little sanctuary. And again, who's listening to this going? Oh yeah, that's me too.

Alexis:

Yeah, I didn't want to, I didn't want to be home, I didn't want to be home at all, I was so busy. But also, you know, we make ourselves busy when we don't want to face things we don't, and that could be internal or it could be external. Um, we're, we're, we're really good avoiders. Right, we've been brought up in to to avoid, to not to not feel, to not express emotion, and it's kind of like one of the biggest pitfalls that we need to address, I think. Um, so what was the question? Oh, my home, my home, yes, um, I'm.

Alexis:

When you were talking about that, I was laughing because it's like, yeah, it's kind of gone the opposite way. I really need to like push myself to actually get out of the house now, and especially in the winter. I mean, besides the school run, you know it's the fucking struggle getting out, but I also have to honor that because, whilst getting in nature is great and it does, it does feel good, there's also there is also that hibernation aspect to me that I just love and, yeah, I am, I'm very much feeling that right now Hibernation is important.

Flic:

I mean, flowers don't bloom in like in the winter. To do that Like we're, you know again, it's listening, it's having that self-compassion and that permission piece to just be who. We are in that spot, because I think we do know if we're kind of off kilter and we're like, oh, I need to push myself to do X, y and Z or or I need to just chill, I need to just do the bare minimum, right now I think you know you go through phases and you know, again, it's a self-compassion.

Alexis:

Yeah, yeah, it definitely is.

Flic:

Yeah.

Alexis:

And I guess you can't do that if you, if you're just so busy avoiding right when, where do you have the time for self-compassion if you're not actually sitting down and and processing things?

Flic:

Yeah, absolutely, thank you. Oh my gosh, this has been an incredible chat. Um, alexis, I've been asking all my guests at the end of the conversation just some lighthearted, quickfire questions. So on your dodgy, tougher days, do you opt to move your body or move the remote?

Alexis:

Um, oh God, I mean, it depends. It depends, like my, my instant. I know this is not quickfire, but my instant answer would set would be move the remote. Because you know, I think we have demonized disconnection quite a lot. I think I do so much work, so much healing work, so much learning, that actually consciously disconnecting is just as important as moving your body, or you know, doing all of that, I'm like I fucking love housewives of Potomac or whatever it is. I love it because it gets me to just just not think about stuff for a minute. And I'm, if I'm doing it consciously and I'm, and I'm very aware of it, I think that's okay. We don't have to be doing the work all the time.

Flic:

I love that message Absolutely, so true. Okay, bag of almonds or bag of Maltesers.

Alexis:

Oh, I don't like Maltesers, I'm sorry. Yeah, so I would up for the for the almonds, almonds, almonds or almonds. Anyway, yeah, I'm not a massive fan of Maltesers, weirdly enough, not chocolate girl.

Flic:

Okay, ask for help or happy to hermit.

Alexis:

Hmm, I think whenever I'm going through something, I go into my shell. I go into my shell, I process. It's very in my head, in my body. Once I feel like I'm at a stage where I can sort of reach out to other people and do some more processing with other people, then I reach another level. But yeah, the first thing is is I go inwards and then I use connection to further process something so Amazing, amazing, okay.

Flic:

Okay, what's the one self-compassionate thing you're going to do today that your future self's going to thank you for?

Alexis:

speak my truth.

Flic:

Love it.

Alexis:

I think there's so much. We're so fearful of using our voice, we're so scared of saying the wrong thing, we're so scared of upsetting someone, we're so mindful about everyone else that we've lost the ability to use our voice in a truthful way. And sometimes the truth is actually really painful and hurtful. But I believe that sometimes we do need to face the ugly truths in order to honour ourselves, and it doesn't have to be aggressive or hurtful. It might be hurtful because I mean a lot of what I say triggers people. A lot of what I say will be hurtful for people, to people.

Alexis:

But I feel like that's my job, that's my role. I'm here to speak my truth, and sometimes that might hurt, sometimes that might cause you to think about something you weren't maybe ready to face. But yeah, I don't know. So I think using our voice in the most truthful way and honouring ourselves every single day is probably the best thing you can do for your mental health. I think silence. We internalise that silence, and silence causes disease, is my opinion it so does. If we don't use our voice, if we don't clear that throat chakra, where does it go? Where does that go?

Flic:

Life, oh my God, you're amazing. I'm going to end on these words that I love of yours. You wrote because yours are a good idea. You wrote. We all deserve that soft life, but sometimes we need to wade through the fawny bush to realise we are truly worthy of it.

Alexis:

Wait a minute, that is my book or what Exactly.

Flic:

That's why I'm like can I have the second book to read please? I'm waiting, I'm waiting and I'll get on it.

Alexis:

Wow, yeah, thank you. I love that you're reminding me of my writing, because once it's out of me, it's gone. I forget about it.

Flic:

That's that true writing, channeling, that's the magic.

Alexis:

This has been such a beautiful conversation.

Flic:

It's been just as giving to me, and I hope it's been just as good for you, huge for me, huge for me, and I know it's going to be huge for anyone listening. So thank you so much for your time darling.

Alexis:

That's been amazing, my pleasure and I forgive you for missing the appointment before.

Flic:

It was so good though, because it was so unlucky and I went into such a downward spiral of that I very quickly and I was like, why has this happened? And it's only recently that I've gone? Oh, because I still have to do all the fucking work on self forgiveness and being human, self compassion, self compassion. I haven't fucking fixed that. You get to a point you do all this work on yourself and you're like, oh, I've done this and this and this and I'm getting somewhere. And then the universe is like I got love, still a bit more.

Alexis:

Should we just give them a tiny little bit of background? Go on, basically. I don't know when it was. It was a month ago. Yeah, go on, you tell it.

Flic:

No, no, no, you tell it because I'm still in my little shame spiral.

Alexis:

Don't be shameful. What is this whole podcast being about? So you reached out and you asked me to come on your podcast and I was like, yeah, but dinner time. And then I was happily on the zoom waiting for you and I'm like hold on, what the fuck is she? And I messaged you and, and do you know what? I wasn't even in a very I don't think I was in a particularly chatty mood that day, so I was fairly good with it not going ahead at that moment in time and, as I said to you before we started recording, you got a much better version of me today. So you know, I do think everything happens for a reason and, yes, look, it's taught you a lesson that you need to be self compassionate, because shit fucking happens and sometimes we drop the ball.

Flic:

You remember like sending you the stream of messages of like being so apologetic over explaining Hello, trauma response, and I was just like I'm so sorry, I never used to do this. And you know, shit happens, babe, I do this all the time and I literally just like, oh, and I melted and I lay on my bed about half an hour ago. Okay, okay, okay, I've got this. So it was really important for me.

Alexis:

And it clearly still is, because there's still that tiny little bit of shame that you're holding on to. I want you to release that into the fucking universe, because no one can.

Flic:

So, to explain your theory, a leco of Alexa's beautiful wisdom and reminder there that we need to ditch this shame spirals that we carry around with us. It was this point that her computer battery died. So, yes, we did have a good laugh about this afterwards, but on reflection, this was actually a very fitting end for this incredibly raw, honest, canny conversation between two women in their 40s deciding they're moving forward in life, walking a different path now, whilst learning to let go of the ingrained patterns they've become so accustomed and used to. So I hope you enjoyed this conversation as much as we did. Thank you for listening.

Flic:

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Everyday Burnout Conversations. Take a peek at the show notes for any links to items discussed today. And if you want to continue the Burnout Conversation, you can find me on social media at flichtaileritecom, or you can head to my website, flichtailercom, if you're curious and want to learn more on what it's like to work with me one to one. So in the meantime, rest up, don't forget to take good care of you, and bye for now.